


Falling for a Martyr

by orphan_account



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Amon is a sweetheart, Angst and Tragedy, Badass Kaneki Ken, Biting, Blood and Gore, Bondage and Discipline, Death, Domestic Violence, Implied/Referenced Torture, Light Sadism, Love/Hate, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Neglect, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, PTSD, Past Torture, Rape/Non-con Elements, Rough Kissing, Sad, Sexual Abuse, Sexual Content, again im sorry, but i regret nothing!, but not that intense, im not sorry, im sorry, not too explicit, some badly written fluff, some badly written smut, violence in general
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-06
Updated: 2016-09-27
Packaged: 2018-08-13 08:44:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7970389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Life can never be simple when it’s bloodstained. Love can never be perfect when the lovers are from different worlds. But, even when life is bloodstained, they can still live it. And though love isn’t perfect there is still love - no matter how much pain, hatred and regret comes with it.</p><p>Kaneki and Amon's relationship. (so basically a huge wreck of pain, torment, abuse and love.)<br/>Enjoy!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Meal

**Author's Note:**

> Hiya! my first fic i hope you like it even if its miserable and awfully written!  
> im open to suggestions for chapters as long as they dont stray too far from the mood of the fic (so baisically the tags) and im sorry for any typos ! also rize is in italics and later on jason will be in bold.  
> enjoy!

“Shit. Oh god … SHIT!” Kaneki’s sobs cut into the thick silence like a knife, his body hunched over his bleeding boyfriend . “Amon… shit .. fuck, i’m so sorry!”

“It’s.. okay, kaneki,” he mumbled, sitting up off the floor to lean on his elbows and assess the gory bite on his arm. “You didn't mean too.”

“It’s not okay!” Kaneki was shouting now, scalding tears dripping from his eyes and onto Amon’s chest, and Amon flinched at his tone. The half ghoul above him was shaking uncontrollably and losing control, his single kakugan tainting the dim room a grim red. 

The pain in the investigator’s arm increased as he leant on it so, biting back any noises that would distress kaneki further, Amon stumbled to his feet to retrieve the first aid kit in the kitchen. Peeling his bloodied shirt off he spared a glance at Kaneki’s hunched figure on the floor and his heart wrenched.

“Kaneki, baby, do you want to help me?” he whispered softly, watching the half-ghoul twitch and then look straight into Amon’s eyes.

“You’re not mad?” Kaneki breathed, mismatched eyes pleading as a drop of blood trickled from his mouth.

“Of course not,” Amon smiled sweetly, stepping forward to scoop kaneki up in his arms and carrying him over to the kitchen counter.

Kaneki sat on the counter but hugged Koutarou for a moment before letting go - secretly savouring the blissful smell of his lover’s blood fresh on his skin. A distant yet horribly familiar voice whispered in his ear; _smells so sweeet kaneki-kuun! You can still taste hiiiiim on yooouur tongue, riiiight? He wont even be mad at you! Justt ooonnnee tasste!_

Ignoring Rize’s sickly voice, kaneki let go of Amon only to wrap his legs around his waist - effectively holding him in place while cleaning the wound. As he worked Amon used his free hand to stroke the soft white strands that stuck out oddly on the half-ghouls head, showing no reaction to the stinging cream kaneki was rubbing over the bite. Something ugly inside kaneki reared its head and hissed at the lack of response - causing his hands to clutch the wound a little tighter than necessary.

The horrid creature, seemingly satisfied with the wince that the action had received, slinked back into the shadows of kaneki’s mind and left him again. _Yamoriiii-saaann! Comme baaacckk!_

“Hey, are you alright baby?” Amon murmured, nuzzling the crook of his neck.

Jolting from his thoughts and looking down at the bite (which had begun bleeding again from the pressure) Kaneki let out a resigned sigh and started to wrap a bandage around it - trying his best to smile. By the time he had finished his silence had caught the full attention of his lover, who leaned back to look into his eyes.

_Such pretty eyes._ Kaneki had to agree with her; Amon had beautiful teal green eyes - like a lush forest floor. They stared at him imploringly and kaneki was reminded of an eager puppy; full of love and adoration no matter what, ready to forgive all his mistakes. _No wonder dogs get abused so much! i bet you could hit him right now, apologize, and then do it again and he wouldn’t even care!_

As much as he hated to admit it, Rize was right. It seemed no matter what he did Amon would love him.Like he could walk through hell and Amon would follow him on his hands and knees.

“Kaneki,” Amon’s voice broke him from his reverie, and the half-ghoul stayed silent - leaning forward to kiss his lover.

Responding to the kiss eagerly, koutarou pressed against him as kaneki’s hands found his hair and started to tug at the raven strands. As they kissed kaneki grew rougher and rougher and he dragged his black nails down his back, leaving angry red marks in their wake. The nails finally broke skin and kaneki pulled away to look straight into Amon’s desire filled eyes, bringing his fingers up to his mouth and slowly licking the blood off.

Groaning at the sight, Amon leaned closer to resume the kiss but was halted by kaneki’s hand - making him whine.  
The sight of koutarou so flushed was almost enough to make kaneki give in, but he had things he needed to do. So, all the while looking into his pleading eyes, the half-ghoul climbed down off the counter and walked towards the window - snagging Amon’s bloodstained shirt off the floor as he left.

Amon whined quietly from the kitchen of his apartment, covered in scratches and panting, and a look hurt flashed across his face at the denial. Kaneki darted through the window without so much as a goodbye and was soon perched on the top of a large block of flats - smelling the shirt once before darting away again.

_He’ll get over it, he’ll forgive you._ Kaneki muttered a reply as he ran, “i know; he always does.”


	2. Merciless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...
> 
> drama warning, i guess. and physico kaneki.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for the kudos it means alot!
> 
> okay, so this chapter took a while because i was having an internal war about whether to actually let the story go this way or not, but i kinda just thought "fuck it"
> 
> OH AND PLEASE NOTE: i will probably be writing smut later on but it will only be the parts that are completely consensual, so i will just heavily imply the non-con parts of this story and not go into much detail about the sex - although i will warn you before hand if i think it is necessary to go into detail for the plot. okay, anyway, thank you!
> 
> enjoy!

He couldn't sleep. Not just because of the tedious throbbing in his arm but because of the doubts that flooded his mind. What if kaneki didn't love him? Was he just being used as a source of entertainment, or worse - a snack?

No. Kaneki wouldn't do that. He was too nice to do that, Amon concluded. Right? Sitting up in his bed, the sheets having been shoved on the floor beforehand, Amon reached for his phone and fumbled with the buttons for a second before texting kaneki:

Can u come over?

And sitting back in his bed, staring up at the ceiling. It was painted a deep navy and was speckled with glow-in-the-dark stars, something kaneki had scoffed at but still rearranged into the constellations. Going as far as to paint a moon in the corner to match. His phone buzzed.

Sure, on my way. U ok? x

Wanting to say no, Amon typed a quick reassurance before jumping up to find a shirt. 

~~~~~~

Kaneki found Amon passed out on the sofa, looking extremely uncomfortable and somehow distressed even in sleep - which was a bad sign. Lightly sitting beside him, kaneki stared at his hands and cracked a knuckle. _He’s breaking up with you, Kanekiii-cuuuunnnn. What a shame, he was so tasty._  
 _ **You should eat him.**_

Kaneki flinched at the suddenly thunderous voice that echoed in his mind. Yamori. ‘What do you want?’ he growled at him. _**The strong devour the weak. You are stronger than amon. So EAT him.**_ _Oohh, yamoriii! How timid! I could've sworn that you would want to torture him first!_

‘No one is eating anyone, okay? Or fucking torturing them!’

_Oh, but that's no fun, kanekiii! He tastess sooo nicee!!!_

_**his screams would be delicious. Better yet he cares about you! Imagine the look of betrayal in his eyes as you chain him up! Imagine the cries of AGONY as you cut off his toes and rip his teeth out!** _

‘SHUT UP! No. no . NO. i’m not like you! Fuck OFF’ The half ghoul clutched his head as the wicked voices merged together into deafening cries.

_**EAT HIM. DEVOUR THE WEAK. KANEKIII YOURE NNOTT WEEAAKK, ARE YOU???** _

“NO! No im not im not stopstopstop!!” He screamed, feeling Yamori shake him wildly while rize called out _Kanekiiiii!!!?! Kaannekkiiii_

“Kaneki!?” it was Amon, eyes wide and frantic as he shook kaneki’s shoulders. Looking around idly, kaneki wondered how he had gotten in amon’s lap. What was he doing here? Where did yamori go? Was he hiding away in the shadows?  
He felt tears pool in his eyes and rapidly blinked them away, sniffing and hanging his head in shame. He wasn’t even hurt. How could he get so worked up in an imaginary argument with two dead people? That wasn’t strong! That was pathetic!

“Hey, baby, don't cry,” Koutarou mumbled, hugging kaneki and stroking his alabaster hair, “It’s alright, they aren't real.”

Amon knew about the voices. He couldn’t exactly understand, but he knew.  
And now _Amon_ was the one doing the comforting - despite his obvious distress. Which kaneki still didn’t know anything about. As guilt sunk seeped into his brain, Kaneki shifted in amon’s to sit further away and see his expression.

“I’m sorry, my thoughts just got out of hand,” he laughed nervously, “but i can tell something is wrong, so , umm . what is wrong?”

Coughing into his hand, Amon avoided eye contact and seemed to be deciding something. _Kanekiiii! Youre gonna be ssooooo alone when he leaves you, right? Althouuughhh you do bite him a lot - so you desseerrve to be alone!_

“Err.. Nothing. Its nothing at all. I just wanted to see you,” Koutarou stressed, letting out a small resigned sigh.

Kaneki’s face darkened slightly, the cruel voice of yamori replacing the bittersweet tone of rize. _**He’s hiding something. He is afraid. You know, kanekiii, i bet he would talk if he was more afraid of NOT telling you.** _  
‘Really?’ The half ghoul thought, looking Amon dead in the eyes and considering his options. Could he listen to yamori? He would just keep pestering if he didn't. And for some reason kaneki felt more compelled to listen to the strong, loud orders than he did with rize’s soft, silken croons.__

__“Amon, what's wrong?” he growled, voice darkening by the second and making Amon blink, recoiling in shock._ _

__“N-nothing is wrong, kaneki.” a slight stutter gave him away, and kaneki gave him a chilling, detached glare - one pale hand edging up Amon’s back to twist in his hair._ _

__After a sharp gasp as his fingers viciously tugged at the dark strands, Amon lifted a hand to pull his away. It was caught mid air, and pinned to his side, making him yelp as the grip in his hair tightened. Wide teal eyes met a snowy grey and blood red gaze._ _

__“Uh, k-kaneki uh i-?” Amon let out a slight squeak as his head was wrenched back and kaneki surged forwards, cutting off his words with a violent kiss._ _

__They kissed for a moment, tongues colliding for just one second before the half-ghoul pulled away and tugged his disheveled lover to the side until he was on his back on the sofa - both wrists restrained as he used all his ghoul-strength. Straddling his lap, Kaneki looked down with a smirk as adrenaline coursed through his veins. Amon’s expression made him hesitate, it seemed to be a cross between terrified and aroused, but he brushed it off after a quick assurance from the deadly whisper in his head._ _

__“Tell me what happened, **before i fuck you so hard you won’t be able to walk right for a week,** ” halfway through his sentence Yamori had taken complete control, and with him so in the moment who knows when Kaneki would come back - not that Amon knew that._ _

__Koutarou gaped up at him, eyes growing even wider and cheeks blushing a bright red. He stumbled on some words that were beyond comprehension but couldn't speak his doubts, even with kaneki’s threat looming over him like a knife. Seeing this, the half ghoul shifted further up his torso to lean right down and released Amon’s wrists for a second to cup his lover's face, lips thinning into a wide sadistic grin._ _

__“ _ **Your choice.**_ ”_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you liked it! new chapter will be in 2-3 days!


	3. Mistake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so its not really smutty yet but you can properly guess what happened :/ i really hope you like it and i would love to know what you guys think!

Amon gulped as Kaneki bit down on his neck, teasing up bruises with his teeth. 

Amon had always been strong. He was a role model in the CCG. Never bothering with relationships, never really bothering with anything other than work and exercise. But now he was weak - lying beneath one of the very things he has despised all his life. A creature that’s only purpose is to eat, fight, and kill. How could he end up in love with a ghoul? Of all the people in the world - why did he have to pick a monster?

But Kaneki was different. Kind, caring, gentle. But even he was haunted. Filled with monsters that came out to play in the sun and shoved him in the dark. And they liked Amon. So his hell would continue.

“ _ **Amonn!, baby, did you miss me? Its been soo long! Let me taste you!**_ ” Kaneki let out a cold, mocking laugh as inky black seeped into his left eye.

“Kaneki, listen, just leave it, O-okay?” he stuttered, deep voice managing to shake as he bit back a moan when teeth grazed his jaw.

“ _ **But koutarou, you do love me, right?**_ ” The half ghoul whispered against his cheek.

Whatever answer was about to fall from his lips was cut off by a rough, hungry kiss. Sharp black nails dug into Amon’s back as his own hands grabbed Kaneki’s hair and he moaned against his mouth.

Kaneki broke the kiss, a sickly smile on his lips, to order “ _ **Shirt. Off. Now.**_ ” and watch the flicker of fear in his lover’s eyes before he complied. _what a lovely sight_.  
Amon pulled his shirt off and was immediately pushed back down onto the sofa. Pale fingers tracing each muscle, Kaneki felt him twitch under his fingertips - hearing Amon’s breath go ragged. Staring up at him like a rabbit caught in headlights. The sight sent a shudder down his spine.

 _Kanekiiii! Be carefull or hee might leaave youu!!!!!_  
_**Don't listen to that bitch. He would never leave you. You could fucking eat his fucking leg and he would just limp after you. Fucking dog.**_

Kaneki ignored Rize as Yamori’s reassurances started to drown out any thoughts of his own. To the point he was more yamori than himself - something that in the moment didn’t even worry him.

A pained whimper made him retain focus on his lover and he found his own hand gripping Amon’s hair unconsciously. For a second guilt rushed through him but it was soon silenced by a loud snarl in his head. Amon’s eyes were wrenched shut and he let out a cry when kaneki harshly pulled the raven locks. _so soft._

“ _ **Koutarouuu! Why don't you wait in bed for me? We barely have enough room on the sofa! Hhmm. yes, the bed would be bessst. Hands and knees like a good boy - okay?**_ ” the half ghoul crooned, tilting Amon’s head back so he was looking him straight in the eye.

Amon hesitated, eyes watery with conflicting emotions. His voice was caught in his throat. Cheeks flushed. Breath ragged.  
But Kaneki’s glare seemed to grow darker by the second - and he knew it would just be worse the longer he waited. So he stumbled to his bedroom and stripped, getting onto the bed and waiting until he heard kaneki’s soft footsteps behind him. 

 

Hands on his hips, tangled in his hair, cries of his name and blood that would never wash away.

 

~~~~~~~

He couldn’t sleep. Not because of the tedious ache in his hips but because of the doubts that flooded his mind. He looked up at the glow in the dark stars on the ceiling and saw an entire galaxy. One he could disappear in and be free of the pain in his life. But the warm arms that hugged him held him back like restraints. 

Amon felt each breath escape his lungs. Felt time edging away. Felt dust build on his skin. He was weak. He needed to be strong.  
The stars were so much brighter in his room than they were in the sky.  
The blood was fading.  
If he was stronger the blood would’ve never spilt at all.  
He needed to be strong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!


	4. Mourn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys i know this is shorter but i just really wanted to leave it like that! im also gonna try to make the chapters longer so yeah! :)   
> thank you so much for the comments and kudos it means alot since this is my firstfic so THANK YOU!!!!
> 
> ANYWAY, hope you like it!

Groggily sitting up in bed, Kaneki listened to the faint yet achingly familiar sounds of amon working out at 4 in the morning. The half ghoul sighed, getting up to scold him, but glimpsed at his hands as he moved. Blood. It was thick under his nails like rust. _oooohhh kaneki! Don't you remember the fun you had with our dear human last night?_

And he did. The mocking laughter of yamori in his ear; the cries of the one he loved; the giggles of his demons as they led him into darkness - dragging Amon with him. Kaneki didn't even know how to fix it because how could Amon ever forgive him for this? This wasn’t a bite on the shoulder or a scratch that hadn’t faded yet. He had… 

Kaneki started to cry. Angry scalding tears welled up and blurred his vision as the dread sunk in his chest like a stone. _Amon will leave you!!!!!! You think you can do that and it will allllll beeeeee ffiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeee???!?!?!?!_ Rize shrieked.   
‘Are you blaming me ?!?!’   
_YOU did it!_  
‘IT WASN’T ME!!’  
 _who wassss it thennn?? Hmm, kaneki kuuunn??_

“YAMORI!!!!!!!!!!!! “ Kaneki screamed, jumping up and punching the wall, “YAMORI YAMORI YAMORI I HATE YOUUUU!!!!!!!! IHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOU!!!”

The wall crumbled and smashed beneath his fists and before Kaneki could realise it strong arms were holding him back, pressing him against a broad chest. 

“Shhhh Kaneki, it’s okay, please stop,” Koutarou’s voice seemed sadder, quieter, and it made Kaneki struggle away from him and peer up at his expression in alarm.

Dark circles shadowed his eyes and even Amon’s face had a long scratch that curled under his cheek and flicked down to his throat. His bare torso was marred with scratches and bruises and it made bile rise in Kaneki’s throat to think that he could have done something so horrible. For the first time since they had met, Amon looked small. Weak. Kaneki had done that. He had ruined him. _ohhh honey! What a shame! You spent all this time trying not to get rid of him and now he’s gone! Empty of emotion towards YOU!_

“Amon, I- “ the half ghoul cut himself off as he watched his lover flinch at the sound of his voice, tears starting to well in his eyes “ I’m just- “

For a second it was just them. No voices. No ghouls. No blood. It was a second of peace - where Kaneki’s mind finally stopped for a moment and one thought was left. _leave._

“I need to go.”

Amon twitched, gaze frantically meeting his, and he let a helpless whine escape his mouth. 

“Please don't, “ He whispered, sounding broken.

“I can't do this anymore,” Kaneki strained, the words feeling like broken glass in his mouth. 

And then he was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!!

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading !


End file.
